Deep, Dark, Penetraiting cool all around
The current swaying in an age old dance
The sun from up above is blaring down
The crystal and saphire blue is enhanced
The water supports you gentle rocking,
Never rough, a friend that is always there
But its great power is always shocking
A relationship you can never tear
I can't comprehend your complexities
The life force of all creatures here on earth
The home to so many entities
You are where i hope to have my rebirth
The ocean at hauula calms my mind
There, my soul i can search and learn to find.
Being Hawaiian, and living in Hawaii, the beach is an interagal part of your life. This is true for me even more so because during the first year of my life I was raised practically on the beach. My dad would take me all of the time. I don’t get to go to the beach often anymore with my busy schedual. Over the Easter weekend, I had the chance to spend the weekend in a beach house on the East side. This trip helped me to realize my deep love for the ocean and all its splendor.
In my first stanza, I talk about the water itself. I talk about the current as an "age old dance." I used this phrase because of how the current moves on gracefully like the ballroom dancers of the 1940's and 1950's. I have also had a great love for the finer arts such as ballroom dancing so I compared these two in my sonnet. I also describe the perfect day to be in the water. The bright sun shining so clearly from up above that the many shades of blue seem to be richer then ever.
I consider the ocean to be a friend. My second stanza explains how I feel after not being able to go to the beach for a long time and finally making it there. "Never rough, a friend that is always there." I used these words because whenever I do make it to the beach the ocean seems to be reading my mind on how I want the water to be. It is never rough to me, just calm and welcoming, no matter how long the time has been since we have seen each other. I think of the ocean as a living entity. This is because engrained in me is the deep love and caring for the ocean from my Hawaiian heritage.
At the beach house, when I was thinking of the third staza of my sonnet, I was having a writers block. In order to help me clear my head I went out and just floated on the water. Then I started to wonder about the ming-boggaling complexities of the ocean. That inspired me to write about how the ocean is "the life force of all creatures here on earth." After all, the first organisms on earth came from the ocean. I have also never understood completely how we rely so much on the ocean but just floating there seem to make it click in my head. We can't survive with out the ocean.
The last two lines of my poem actually reaveal that I am talking about the beach at Hau'ula. No matter how many beaches I go to, I still seem to have an affinity for Hau'ula. The water there is always calm and has just enough waves to have some fun. The water is also so clear there. Compared to Waikiki, the beach I normally go to, the water is untouched. It feels like I am swimming through time, back to the days when no body knew what polution was. It also gives me a warm feeling in side because, my family is not very close, but this last time I went out there, I reconnected with my family and since then, our bond is so much stronger then ever before.
5 comments:
Nice sonnet! I really liked the words you used. I think you misspelled "support" and "tear" and I'm not sure that around rhymes with down, but other then that everything is great! In you paper you might want to explain what "hauula" (is that how you spell it?) is.
good job! i liked the words you used and the descriptions a lot. I think you mean 'your' not 'you' in the 1st line second stanza. but other than that it is really good!
Deep, Dark, Penetraiting (Penetrating) cool all around
The current swaying in an age old dance
The sun from up above is blaring down
The crystal and saphire (sapphire) blue is enhanced
The water supports you gentle rocking, (“your” gentle rocking?)
Never rough, a friend that is always there
But its great power is always shocking
A relationship you can never tear
I can't comprehend your complexities
The life force of all creatures here on earth
The home to so many entities
You are where I hope to have my rebirth
The ocean at hauula (Hau’ula) calms my mind
There, my soul i (capitalize) can search and learn to find.
Being Hawaiian, and living in Hawaii, the beach is an interagal (interregnal) part of your life. This is true for me even more so because during the first year of my life, I was raised practically (consider switching it to “practically raised”) on the beach. My dad would take me (to the beach) all of the time. I don’t get to go to the beach (as) often anymore with my busy schedual (schedule). (But) Over the (cross out “the”) Easter weekend, I had the chance to spend the weekend (repetition of "weekend" sounds awkward) in a beach house on the East side (is it necessary to capitalize “East” ? Idk). This trip helped me to realize my deep love for the ocean and all (of) its splendor.
(Transition between paragraphs feel a bit awkward)
In my first stanza, I talk about the water itself. I talk about (Consider using another way to start other than “I talk about”) the current as an "age old dance." I used this phrase because of how the current moves on gracefully like the ballroom dancers of the 1940's and 1950's (I thought your line “age old dance” sounded like it could’ve been much more ancient, like Hula). I have also had a great love for the finer arts such as ballroom dancing(,) so I compared these two in my sonnet. I also describe(d) (keep your tense same) the perfect day to be in the water. The bright sun shining so clearly from up above that (use something other than "that" in transition within sentence, sounds awkward) the many shades of blue seem to be richer then (than) ever. (You directly tell the reader what you do in a format where you write “I (insert verb)” which is repetitive through out your paper. Consider other ways to describe how and why you wrote certain things)
I consider the ocean to be a friend. My second stanza explains how I feel after not being able to go to the beach for a long time and finally making it there. "Never rough, a friend that is always there." I used these words because whenever I do make it to the beach(,) the ocean seems to be reading my mind on how I want the water to be. It is never rough to me, just calm and welcoming, no matter how long the time has been since we have seen each other. [I think of the ocean as a living entity. This is because engrained in me is the deep love and caring for the ocean from my Hawaiian heritage.] (what does he ocean being home to independent and distinct existences to you have to do with your love and care for the ocean deriving from your Hawaiian heritage?)
At the beach house, when I was thinking of the third stanza of my sonnet, I was having a writer’s block. In order to help me clear my head, I went out and just floated on the water. Then I started to wonder about the ming (mind)-boggaling (boggling) complexities of the ocean. That inspired me to write about how the ocean is "the life force of all creatures here on earth." (I think this is a better place to talk about your lines to do with the ocean being home to entities) After all, the first organisms on earth came from the ocean. I have also never understood completely how we rely so much on the ocean, but just floating there seem(ed) to make it click in my head. We can't survive with out the ocean.
The last two lines of my poem actually reaveal (reveal) that I am talking about the beach at Hau'ula. No matter how many beaches I go to, I still seem to have an affinity for Hau'ula. The water there is always calm and has just enough waves to have some fun. [The water is also so clear there. Compared to Waikiki, the beach I normally go to, the water is untouched.] (Consider somehow fusing these sentences together, “Unlike Waikiki which is the beach I usually go to, Hau’ula’s water is so clear and untouched.”) It feels like I am swimming through time, back to the days when no body knew what polution (pollution) was. It also gives me a warm feeling in side (inside) and because,(cross out comma) my family is not very close (not very close to you and each other? Clarify), but this last time ("but this last time" used to transition within the sentence sounds very awkward) I went out there (to where? Clarify), I reconnected with my family and since then, our bond is so much stronger then ever before. (The way you finish your paper seems to wander away from the substance of your poem. It's nice to talk about how you bonded with your family when you went to the beach, but what does that have to do with the poem? Is that bonding a part of the poem? Explain the two last lines of your poem, the most crucial part in a sonnet.)
Your paper describes the meanings within your poem nicely. I like how you add a personal story along with the contents of the poem. Sometimes your sentences and paragraphs sound a bit awkward, esp. when in transitions. There are parts where the focus seems to wander off too much from the poem and it takes the reader away from what you are supposed to be explaining, so watch out on that. The way you end your paper is weak, because I couldn't understand how it relates to the poem and its last lines.
Message/Support 17
Your paper does indeed carry a message with support about your poem, but your thoughts are somewhat scattered on certain explanations and contradict themselves.
Clarity 18
It's not hard to understand why you wrote certain lines and what's the story behind them, but some parts where the explanation doesn't seem to go with the poem can be confusing.
Technique(Word choice, grammar) 15
There were a good bit of grammatical errors, especially with commas. Many parts of your paper contain awkward sentences, due to your word choice and grammar.
Fluency/Organization 16
I found a good bit of awkward sentences and transitions in your paper. Organization can do better, as I've already commented, your topic seems to wander irrelevantly from the poem on some parts, especially the ending where it is important to wrap up the poem overall with the last two lines of the poem.
Voice (Style) 18
The way you wrote your paper is consistent with your writing style, but it can improve by making things sound less awkward.
Good job.
Deep, Dark, Penetrating cool all around
The current swaying in an age old dance
The sun from up above is blaring down
The crystal and sapphire blue is enhanced
The water supports you gentle rocking,
Never rough, a friend that is always there
But its great power is always shocking
A relationship you can never tear
I can't comprehend your complexities
The life force of all creatures here on earth
The home to so many entities
You are where I hope to have my rebirth
The ocean at Hauula calms my mind
There, my soul I can search and learn to find.
Being Hawaiian, and living in Hawaii, the beach is an interregnal part of your life. This is true for me even more so because during the first year of my life I was raised practically on the beach. My dad would take me all of the time. I don’t get to go to the beach often anymore with my busy schedule. Over the Easter weekend, I had the chance to spend the weekend in a beach house on the East side. This trip helped me to realize my deep love for the ocean and all of its splendor.
In my first stanza, I talk about the water itself. I talk about the current as an "age old dance." I used this phrase because of how the current moves on gracefully like the ballroom dancers of the 1940's and 1950's. (Moving gracefully back and forth? so the waves move or the whole ocean itself moves when a boat is cutting through the surface?) I have also had a great love for the finer arts such as ballroom dancing so I compared these two in my sonnet. I also describe the perfect day to be in the water. The bright sun shining so clearly from up above that the many shades of blue seem to be richer then ever.
I consider the ocean to be a friend. (because…) My second stanza explains how I feel after not being able to go to the beach for a long time and finally making it there. "Never rough, a friend that is always there." I used these words because whenever I do make it to the beach the ocean seems to be reading my mind on how I want the water to be. It is never rough to me, just calm and welcoming; no matter how long the time has been since we have seen each other. I think of the ocean as a living entity. This is because engrained in me is the deep love and caring for the ocean from my Hawaiian heritage.
At the beach house, when I was thinking of the third stanza of my sonnet, I was having a writers block. In order to help me clear my head I went out and just floated on the water. Then I started to wonder about the mind-boggling complexities of the ocean. Lying there inspired me to write about how the ocean is "the life force of all creatures here on earth." After all, the first organisms on earth came from the ocean. I have also never understood completely how we rely so much on the ocean, but just floating there seem to make it click in my head. We can't survive with out the ocean.
The last two lines of my poem actually reveal that I am talking about the beach at Hau'ula. No matter how many beaches I go to, I still seem to have an affinity for Hau'ula. The water there is always calm and has just enough waves to have some fun. The water is also so clear there. Compared to Waikiki, the beach I normally go to, the water is untouched. It feels like I am swimming through time, back to the days when no body knew what pollution was. It also gives me a warm feeling in side because, my family is not very close, but this last time I went out there, I reconnected with my family and since then, our bond is so much stronger then ever before. (I like your analysis. I like the whole feeling of being content is apparent in your paper. There are a few grammatical errors I hi-lighted in blue and there are some parts I wasn't too clear about in yellow. Overall, your sonnet and analysis is both well written.)
Main Message-19
Clarification-17
Technique-18
Fluency -18
Voice-18
Total: 90
Deep, Dark, Penetraiting cool all around (Penetrating)
The current swaying in an age old dance
The sun from up above is blaring down
The crystal and saphire blue is enhanced (Sapphire)
The water supports you gentle rocking,
Never rough, a friend that is always there
But its great power is always shocking
A relationship you can never tear
I can't comprehend your complexities
The life force of all creatures here on earth
The home to so many entities
You are where i hope to have my rebirth (I)
The ocean at hauula calms my mind (Hauula)
There, my soul i can search and learn to find. (I)
Being Hawaiian, and living in Hawaii, the beach is an interagal part of your life. This is true for me even more so because during the first year of my life I was raised practically on the beach. My dad would take me all of the time. I don’t get to go to the beach often anymore with my busy schedual(schedule). Over the Easter weekend, I had the chance to spend the weekend in a beach house on the East side. This trip helped me to realize my deep love for the ocean and all its (its entire) splendor.
In my first stanza, I talk about the water itself. I talk about the current as an "age old dance." I used this phrase because of how the current moves on gracefully like the ballroom dancers of the 1940's and 1950's. I have also had a great love for the finer arts such as ballroom dancing so I compared these two in my sonnet. (Good point, but do you have any personal experiences that you can relate to this, so the reader can better understand why you made this relation.) I also describe the perfect day to be in the water. The bright sun shining so clearly from up above that the many shades of blue seem to be richer then ever. (when I copied your paper to a word document, it underlined this sentence as a fragment, and considered revising it.)
I consider the ocean to be a friend. My second stanza explains how I feel after not being able to go to the beach for a long time and finally making it there. "Never rough, a friend that is always there." I used these words because whenever I do make it to the beach the ocean seems to be reading my mind on how I want the water to be. It is never rough to me, just calm and welcoming, no matter how long the time has been since we have seen each other. I think of the ocean as a living entity. This is because engrained in me is the deep love and caring for the ocean from my Hawaiian heritage.(You could explain more about how personally, your Hawaiian heritage relates to these waters that you love so much.)
At the beach house, when I was thinking of the third staza(stanza) of my sonnet, I was having a writers block. In order to help me clear my head I went out and just floated on the water. Then I started to wonder about the ming-boggaling(mind-boggling) complexities of the ocean. That inspired me to write about how the ocean is "the life force of all creatures here on earth." After all, the first organisms on earth came from the ocean. I have also never understood completely how we rely so much on the ocean but just floating there seem to make it click in my head. We can't survive with out the ocean.
The last two lines of my poem actually reaveal(reveal) that I am talking about the beach at Hau'ula. No matter how many beaches I go to, I still seem to have an affinity for Hau'ula. The water there is always calm and has just enough waves to have some fun. The water is also so clear there. (Maybe you could include more personal experiences of you being at that beach and write about what this specific beach symbolizes in your life/family) Compared to Waikiki, the beach I normally go to, the water is untouched. It feels like I am swimming through time, back to the days when no body knew what polution(pollution) was. It also gives me a warm feeling in side because, my family is not very close, but this last time I went out there, I reconnected with my family and since then, our bond is so much stronger then ever before.
I really enjoyed reading your sonnet and your analysis. Your writing style is very descriptive, and I could understand what you were thinking as you wrote this. You made it very easy to picture this setting and I actually felt relaxed reading your poem. The only thing I would add are possibly some personal experiences that could make your analysis a little more personal. Also, I think that your paper would benefit from some metaphors. One last thing is that your paper had a lot of spelling and grammar errors, so in parenthesis I put the correct spelling and how to rearrange the sentence, after the error.
Very nice job!
Your grade:
Message/Support: 18
Clarity: 19
Technique(Word choice, grammar): 16
Fluency/Organization: 20
Voice (Style): 19
Total: 92
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